your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
