I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
