Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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