Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
