Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
