There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
