Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
