So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
