did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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