I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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