Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
