Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I could make wine with my vomit
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
