I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
