If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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