I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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