I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
