My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please don't give away my fajitas
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
