My first STD was from a foam party
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
third nipple confirmed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
