I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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