I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
