How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
