Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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