we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
People in love make me want to vomit
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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