I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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