2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
