final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
