absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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