i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
