Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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