I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
