i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's shark week go big or go home
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
