I never want to see another naked old woman again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
