I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
