I think I died a long time ago.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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