your parents love me but you hate me
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
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Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.