My cat gives me a boner
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
