while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
