mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I love you.
Bad choice
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
