Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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