Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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