Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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