im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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