he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The ass gains better be worth it
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