I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
