tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
