new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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