I'm gonna have a badass scar
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
