just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
