Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
