Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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