i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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