my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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