The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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