and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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