I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
