Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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