I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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