Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
