I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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