I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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